Narcissus
“His mother was warned one day by the seer Teiresias that her son would live a long life as long as 'he never knows himself.'”
And as the story goes, Narcissus grows into the manifestation of physical perfection, giving his attention sparingly to those around him, boys and girls alike. Never truly knowing what he’s looking for. He finds temporary solace in the field of fleeting lusts, until one day he spots his own reflection in a river, and falls in love. Narcissus becomes trapped by his own image. Killing himself because he can't have him. Can’t love him. The story rings truer than some might think. Self obsession morphing into something more surreptitious. The vines of materiality wrap their way around one's ackles, shackling you down, leaving you to rot; or in Narcissus’s case, to decompose, leaving behind a bed of flowers aptly named after the boy who couldn’t love himself.
But I'm here to say I love the narcissist.
In my opinion, the buzz around the idea of narcissism has evolved into the flavor of the times rather than a psychological deconstruction of the human psyche. Not to take away from the plight of narcissistic personality disorder in its clinicalized diagnosis, but ‘narcissism’ has evolved from a proper diagnosis into a buzzword. It's been a topic that fascinates me recently.
The Encyclopedia Britannica states: “...the term narcissism denotes an excessive degree of self-esteem or self-involvement, a condition that is usually a form of emotional immaturity.” We hear something to that effect all the time: “That person is such a narcissist”, “I loved him but he was so self obsessed”, “have you seen her page? Completely and totally self-involved.” We have taken the form of narcissism, without considering its essence.
Narcissism. The word conjures up images of the beautiful, the wealthy, and oftentimes highly intelligent. People who find themselves puppets, wrapped up in the strings of Matter. Unconsciously tethered to ideals as opposed to understanding. But I think a lot of the time what we fail to understand about the narcissist is this swing between the grandiose and the infinitely deep well of shame that is constantly threatening the afflicted. Narcissus is preoccupied with his reflection, but if he were to fall into the water he would surely drown. Looking just beyond the surface would mean having to learn to swim, so instead, he starves (or knifes himself, which is particularly #metal), speaking to the depth of lack that Narcissus feels internally.
Here’s what I've observed about the narcissist. More often than not, there happens to be this attachment to the Ego - which in this context is just the liaison between the external world (materiality) and the internal world, (consciousness). To clarify, the Ego is the voice in your head that is always chit-chattering away. The Ego is something that you can observe, so it is not inherently you. This is the same thing that creates a false narrative, that fits the narcissist’s warped sense of reality. The disconnection between expectation and reality is what plagues the narcissist’s sense of safety.
Ekhart Tolley, author of The Power of Now, profoundly explains the way narcissism uses the ego as a coping mechanism:
People will often enter into a compulsive pursuit of ego-gratification and things to identify with in order to fill this hole they feel within. So they strive after possessions, money, success, power, recognition, or a special relationship, basically so that they can feel better about themselves, feel more complete.
The narcissist is “self involved,” but the self that they claim to be them is not them at all: it is their ego.
And blessed be the narcissist, for they shall inherit inner peace to know that safety is found within. It goes all the way back to the myth. Narcissus ends up ultimately dying because he can’t love himself. But he’s looking in the wrong place! His ego falls in with externality because the Ego looks out to see itself, and the self looks within, breaking through the surface of the water.
But are we to blame the narcissist for moving through the world unconsciously? Do we blame the kidnapped for Stockholm Syndrome? I would say no. No, because the narcissist is someone who is held captive. And it’s this fundamental fear of vulnerability that keeps the narcissist obedient and loyal to their ego. Their egos keep them safe, focused externally, because if the narcissist were to face inward, the Ego would be found out and done away with. And that’s easier said than done.
Safety, as it pertains to the Mind, leaves lots of people in a place of unknowing. With modern day troubles keeping people's egos on high alert, it’s hard for anyone to disconnect from the Ego’s narrative, let alone the narcissist, who is particularly susceptible to insecurity. The question we must then ask is, how to become unintegrated with the story our egos are telling us?
Oftentimes, it’s just allowing space for the ego to run its mouth. Listening to what it has to say, then deciding whether or not the concerns deserve agency. Or maybe you love a narcissist, as most codependents do (another topic for another day). I guess my only advice, and I’m not qualified to give advice, would be that safety takes space, and growth takes time. No one swims without learning first, so be patient with the narcissist. They have misplaced their perspective, and they have no clue how to swim.